[Complete overhaul of this ancient page, coming soon.]
This is my son Patrick, at eight months old in May, 2000. He is with his Nana, my mother, who passed away on 6/30/03 of multiple sclerosis (MS). This was before my mother became completely bed-ridden. This is the picture I've been trying to get loaded into the bio area, where the tribute to my mom is. I thought this would be a good picture to share with everybody. You may most definitely copy this photo, but please don't say these are your relatives! They're MINE! LOL (Thanks for the help, [
Anonymous]! I very much appreciate it.)
4 July 2003
After a very long, drawn out battle with multiple sclerosis (MS) my mother passed away at 11:20 PM EDT on 30 June. She died peacefully, with dignity, just as she lived her life. Unlike most MS patients who can get by with a few adjustments (cane, scooter, etc.) and have symptoms that come and go, Mom had a horrible progressive form of MS that slowly but steadily debilitated her. Her physical suffering was unimaginable.
But you know what was amazing? Mom refused to give up the fight. Always a socialable, warm and happy person who was the female student athlete of the year in both high school and college. He helped my rather shy, socially awkward father, Hugh, come out of his shell---I never knew about that until I let him open up and talk about her as a young, attractive woman with a good head on her shoulders and a good comment for everybody. I certainly remember her intelligence and happiness, but I hardly remember her without MS---I was only eight years old when she caught it. Despite her ever-worsening situation that initially put bad strains on her family, she was the glue that always held us together. She would cry sometimes--who wouldn't---but nothing could stop her from being the role model of perseverance, dignity and good humor in the absolute worst of times.
And my father---we've had many disagreements, but he's proven his manhood for all time by sticking by Mom THE WHOLE TIME when a lesser man would have given up and left her in the dust, or checked her into a nursing home where she would never have lasted until 1993, never mind 2003.
Your thoughts and prayers have made a big difference---I don't know any of you personally, but it's helped me cope. It's amazing! My brother, sister and father and I also share something extraordinary in common, other than the fact we had a great lady in our life---we are all deeply sorrowful Mom is gone, but we know she is with her family and many friends in heart, mind and soul.
I feel her presence now---she's viewing the photo and getting all cutsied out at her grandson Pat-Pat wearing Arnold Schwarzenegger
-style sunglasses. She also sees the PG-13 mating dragon pic preview---and is frankly not surprised! But she's probably rolling her eyes and laughing that her "different" younger son would actually post it on an e-community! Well, Mom, I'm going to try to get it posted on Elfwood, which isn't a closed community and could potentially get HUNDREDS of comments! And, emulating your persistence and dilligence, I will answer every one of them! (8-11-03---Sorry, Mom, but that's not going to happen now, unless they change the recently enforced rules. Loth gallery was rejected.)
I will finish this tribute up before the reader falls asleep---Mom, you're laughing at my corny joke just like you used to laugh at Dad's corny jokes, aren't you? Silly Mom! Aren't you glad your silly family turned out okay? LOL!
Mom---I hereby dedicate the rest of my life to living my life to the fullest, just as you have always done despite terrible setbacks. You will ALWAYS be with the family and your many friends! In heart, mind, and soul. I WILL become that famous SF/Fantasy writer I used to talk about becoming, even though the rest of the family thought I was sadly deluded and full of shit until just recently . . . but you always listened, and even in the last few years when you couldn't really respond I knew you were with me, despite the many struggles I've had.
So Mom---I know you went straight to Heaven, and did not pass "GO" or collect $200.00 on the way up. I just hope you reminded St. Peter to not misplace the keys to the Gate whenever I stumble my way up there, falling on my chin . . .
I love you, Mom!
Love, Paul
Added, July 2, 2004 . . .
UPDATE, 30 June 2007 . . .
Mom passed away four years ago today, of multiple sclerosis (MS).
Her condition was one that I would not wish on my worst enemy, and was far and beyond anything faintly resembling typical MS (some disabilities but no actual inability, with symptoms coming and going). She could not move or talk or see or hear or do anything else, in the weeks and months leading up to her death. I could live with a typical form of MS, but I don't think I'd ever want to be in my mother's place . . . and yet she had more dignity and a more positive outlook on her condition than anyone. Seeing such a good woman suffer needlessly and cruelly---and with very few short-term exceptions where she's temporarily rebound, inexorably worse---for 22 years running made me deeply question my belief in God, because surely God protects and assists those of pure hearts and sublime benevolence. And yet at the same time I saw God lighting her heart, lighting her spirit, even as she lost all her senses and lost her bodily functions. In the end I was begging God to simply take her way, end her suffering and torture, end this horrid existence in a horrible world. Perhaps this underscores the fact I'll never be a tenth the human being my mother was, but seeing her linger on the edge of death for weeks and months before she quietly slipped away was truly tearing me apart.
I was not there when she breathed her last on the night of 30 June 2003, hooked up to all the various life support machines and intravenous bags and the rest. I deeply regret not being there, though I'd been traveling an hour and a half each way for about a week straight---sometimes with Kathy and Patrick, sometimes without. I was home when she died. Ironically, I was finishing the very first picture I'd completed since 1991 (the mating dragons pic I have on Deviantart---it was supposed to be far more about love and tenderness between pair-bonded lovers and the continuity of life, and far less about raunchy kinky sex). I was also on Elftown, which I'd just joined a few weeks' previous, and I had a brand-new Elfwood Wyvern's Library account (the art pages would come several months later, as would the LiveJournal account). I steadfastly refused to drink or do anything else like that, so I basically lost myself on Elftown, on the crappy AOL dial-up I had at the time. Even though I was sort of stuck in a sea of teenagers looking for people closer to my age, I did have a few people close to my age to talk to, just to get stuff off my chest. Though a lot of them or not on Elftown anymore, I steadfastly thank them. Of course I had Kathy and Patrick (who was almost four years old at the time) but I needed somewhere to temporarily withdraw and get away, even if only for a short time. Even though Elftown was horribly user-unfriendly back then, and you could only upload small pictures, it was smaller and tighter. The idiots were the exception, not the rule, and Elftown really was an e-community of artists and writers and photographers and fans.
A short time became a long time. I got an e-mail from my father. My mother had passed away and he'd tried calling me but couldn't get through because I was stuck on the stupid AOL dial-up.
I felt terribly guilty.
I've done a lot of extolling in the past anniversaries of Mom's passing, and I can't really add anything to that which was apparent to all who knew my mother. Her spirit and her resiliency inspires me, and her memory has helped me through some very trying times the past few years, times which may have easily destroyed a marriage in shallow, superficial people.
Much still needs to be done, even after the current problems are brought to a complete closure (the worst is behind us now, but many struggles remain). I also need to improve relations with my own folks. I need to visit my mother's grave more often, and I really need to get in better touch with my father, sister and brother. These four years have been rather weird and awkward, and I seldom see or talk to my folks anyymore, just as they seldom see or talk to me anymore. They have helped me financially several times in the past (only to have more things happen!), and I feel like I've let them down repeatedly without intentionally trying to do so. Were I rich, I'd pay them all back fivefold and make damn sure there was time for each of them which I currently cannot give anywhere near as much as I'd like to. I've never been the most popular member of my family, and though all the kids got their weird and crazy ideas and points of view from time to time, I'm the only one who stayed the course and marched to the beat of my own drummer. As a result, they have extreme difficulty relating to them, just as they have a very hard time relating to me. This doesn't include my night shift hours, which I now choose so I can see more of my son Patrick than I ever would at work's day shift hours.
Nevertheless, I strongly sense Mom didn't want things to get like this . . . so I pledge between now and next year to try to get closer to them, without pretending to be someone else simply because I want to make them happy.
I miss Mom very much, but I've pretty much gotten over it now. Now I need to keep her memory alive by trying to do the right thing with my family, and talking to my folks more often like I used to (even though they would rarely go out of their way to contact me). Of course I won't change the way I am . . . heck, I can't even figure myself out sometimes!
Anyway, between 30 June 2007 and 30 June 2008 I want to make my mother proud. She is, after all, still very much around in spirit.
Stumble!